My weight has been my mortal enemy since before I could even remember.
I was a chubby girl when I was younger, and I had the hardest time dealing with it. I was constantly fixated on the fact that I was big. Huge, in my opinion. Because that's how it always is, right? You always feel like you're bigger than you actually are. Like your tiny, barely even there, love handles are the most noticeable in the world. Or your so-called "thunder thighs" are the size of mountains and no matter what you do or how you dress, they just.won't.change.
Yeah. That was my outlook for pretty much my entire life. No matter what I did, or how much weight I lost, I was still that "fat kid".
My mom came to the conclusion that I had what she called a "fat head". Because back when I considered myself fat? I was not fat at all.
I look back at myself at that age, at that weight, and I'm like, "What in the hey was I thinking?! I was so skinny! Look at my legs! I thought those were fat?!"
Heck, if I could look half as good as I did back then, during my "fat kid" stage, I would be one happy camper. Because, let's be honest, I am a lot bigger than I have ever been. If I was as big as I am now, back then, I'm not sure what I would have thought. I probably would have had an anxiety attack or something, and just plain ol' died. Because back at that age, weight was everything to me. Self image, yadda yadda.
Now? Well, it's a whole different story. I still dislike my self image, on an extreme level, but I've somewhat come to terms with it. Not in the sense that I'm going to give up ever trying to lose weight and just become even more of an enormous blob. Because trust me, I do not want to be like this forever.
But I've accepted the fact that my body isn't going to be like how it used to be. My skin isn't going to be as tight and my hips will never be how they were. But, that's okay. Why, you ask? Because this body of mine pushed out a tiny human being. Now if that isn't an excuse for being a little chunky, I don't know what is.
When I was pregnant I had a really rough time accepting the fact that my body was changing, and fast. Because, let's face it, you go from normal you... to "oh my God" sized you, in less than a year. That's one heck of a transformation!
But with having a child, comes changes. In your lifestyle, marriage, bank account, and especially, your body. It's something to be proud of though, tiger stripes and all. Because you went through one of the most rewarding, yet exhausting, things that anyone can go through.
You made, grew and gave life to another person.
So, with that said, I try and be a little less critical about my body. And I think every mother should as well. Things will shift back to how they were and you'll look a little more like you and less like the "oh my God" sized you. But it takes time. And even though you won't look as great as you once did, it won't matter. Because you'll have that little pride and joy stumbling along next to you, and that right there, is something to be proud of.
xo, Jess.
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