My life has changed drastically since I had Olive, and without a doubt, for the better. But there have been times where I think "What if I didn't have her?" or "I really, really miss my old, carefree life."
Then I think about it... Why do I miss that?
The life where I was so sick of being single and not being able to have someone to love. To not have "the one". To go out somewhere and for as far as the eyes could see, are couples. Holding hands, lovey dovey, happy as can be, couples.
The life where I was constantly feeling like I wasn't special. That I could never do anything right. That no matter how much I did, I could never seem to gain the acceptance of people. Especially my own father.
The life where I was fighting a losing battle, against myself. I was never happy. It's easy to look back now and think "Wow, I had it good. Things were so easy- no responsibilities, nothing to tie me down. I was as free as a bird." Yeah right. My life was probably more chaotic back then, because I made it that way. I chose to not be happy. Even though happiness was the one thing I truly wanted.
The life where I felt like I had no purpose, no real meaning. That everyone had their special talent, or their "thing" in life.. I didn't. There was nothing that really sparked my interest for that long. I tried everything, from archery to debate team to cheerleading.. Nothing. I always felt out of place. The odd man out. The black sheep. I felt like a nobody.
The life where that "party lifestyle" did absolutely nothing for me. I hated it. I wanted something more. I wanted my life to be more meaningful, more concrete. Not just a life filled with endless nights spent watching people in a drunken stupor. That to me, is not my kind of fun.
My kind of fun is waking up to my sweet, blue-eyed daughter smiling the second we lock eyes. It's being able to spend the night watching movies and drinking hot chocolate with Vaughn while Olive plays and giggles in her swing. It's watching Vaughn and Olive during her tummy time, and seeing how much they adore one another. It's being able to come home from the gym, from anywhere, and knowing that I'll have two smiling, happy faces waiting for me. It's snuggling up with Olive while we're settling down for bed, and watching her be completely at peace.
These are the moments that I live for, that I've been waiting for. So.. why on Earth do I miss my old life?
I forget sometimes that, this is what I wanted. What I longed for. And now, I finally have it. I have a purpose, a meaning, a reason to wake up in the morning. My calling, is being a mom. That's my talent, my "thing".
Motherhood has changed me, molded me into a better version of myself. A happier version. A version where everything I need is right here in this house. And I am forever thankful of that.
Now, my old life? Pfft. That's old news.
This is all I'll ever need.
xo, Jess.
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