October 10th, 2010.

*I started writing this post yesterday, but was unable to finish it due to a needy little Olive. But this post was meant to be for yesterday's Pregnancy And Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I'm going to set aside my usual goofy, sarcastic self for a minute and actually write a serious post, for once.

This post is about my miscarriage, exactly one year and five days ago. 

I wasn't going to share this, or make it known that it happened at all, but I have to. Because it's a part of my past, and most importantly, a part of me. Also, today is the day to remember these little souls that found their way to Heaven sooner than expected. 

I was only 6 weeks along or so when it happened. I know that that's "barely pregnant" in some people's eyes, but not to me. To me, that itty bitty baby already had a soul, a life, and a place in my heart.

The moment I found out a million thoughts rushed through my head. "I wonder if it'd be a girl or a boy?!", "What would we name him/her?" "What theme would the baby shower be?" "I wonder when his/her birthday will be!"

I went a little thought crazy, I know, but I couldn't help it. You just can't stop thoughts like that the second you see those two pink lines. You start planning everything... planning their life. Because in your mind, that little bean has 9 short months then it'll be in your arms and all will be right in the world in that moment. 

But, and sadly there is a but.. that didn't happen. I lost that little bean on October 10th, 2010, at around 7pm. 

I didn't know what was happening at first. I just had heavy cramping that didn't seem to be easing up. I figured it was what everyone called "implantation bleeding". Now I know, implantation bleeding happens within the first 2 weeks, so I was a little naive. But, can you blame me? I didn't think that a baby could be taken from you so quickly. 

Once the intense pain came, I knew something was wrong. Then the bleeding and the realization of what was really happening. Then came the tears, lots and lots of tears.

I'll never forget that day, ever. It was one of the hardest days, emotionally and physically. It was nothing close to labor, but that pain is something I never hope to have to feel again. That day I lost a little piece of my heart, to God. 

I got pregnant with O one month later. So with great loss, comes great gain. She's my little blessing, and I'm overjoyed with the fact that she is now in my life. I'll never forget my other little baby, but O has made the loss easier to bear. Because I know that O has a little brother or sister, and that one day, we'll get to meet. And then my heart will be whole again. 


RIP little one, I love you.




xo, Jess.