Doing it.

That's it, I've decided. I'm going to start my plan of becoming fit, again. 

This will about the..oh, 4th time now? I thought the last time I did it, that it would be the time it would "stick". Because, I finally had healthy eating and working out down pat. I had no problems, no slip ups, and I was truly happy. Honestly, I was.

But... (there's always a but, isn't there?), it all came back on. The 40-50lbs I had worked so hard to lose was back. And bigger than ever. Not because I became lazy or careless, because I got sick. Really, really sick. It was my Senior year of high school, and I was stuck on bed rest for 3 months. Now, you all know the last 3 months of Senior year. Prom, yearbook pictures, the whole 9. Yeah, I wasn't there for half of that. And it killed me. 

The doctors weren't sure what was wrong with me. Heck, I wasn't sure what was wrong. And still, to this day, neither of us know what exactly what it was that brought me to be put on bed rest. All I know is that it's happened a three or four times now, throughout the span of my life. And each time, it gets a little worse. It's scary.. really, really scary, but it's something I've learned to accept and live with. 

The pain eventually went away, I was able to start walking around more. Start living again, pretty much. But it just wasn't the same. I wasn't the same. I was big. Bigger. Because I had spent the last 2 months (When I was able to eat again), just eating. Everything.. literally. I had no self control, at all. I was miserable. I mean, come on.. If you can't walk or do anything, what else is there to do? So, of course, I ate. Watched the same tv shows every single day, and ate. I still can barely watch tv without wanting to scarf down everything in sight. It's sad, I know. 

And ever since my Senior year of high school, 3 years ago, I have been getting bigger... and bigger. From the weight I was before I got sick, I have gained a total of 95lbs. It honestly makes me break down and cry just typing it out.

I'm unhappy.. depressed, even. I can't help it. I hate my body image. I have zero confidence. And what hurts even more is that I have one, literally one, picture of me with Olive. That makes me cry even more. Because when I look back at these pictures, pictures of her or her and Vaughn, I'm going to regret not having any pictures of her and I. 

I need to do this. And not even just for myself, for Vaughn and Olive. They're the reason that I'm going to do this, because they're the one's that deserve it. Vaughn deserves a happier me. A me that doesn't include being a nag, or not wanting to be intimate because I'm afraid of how he'll see me.

 I cry, a lot, because of how I look. I thought that after I had Olive, the weight would fall off of me. Wrong. It didn't even trickle off of me. It just..stayed. So far I've only lost 20lbs. Now that might seem like a lot to most people, but not to me. Because I gained a total of 50lbs when I was pregnant with O, and I was already 20+ lbs heavier before that. I had let myself go, and I accepted it. 

I want to create a new me, the old me, because I deserve it as well. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to be in pictures, not always behind them. I want to love my body, and feel sexy. Yes, I said it, sexy. Because whether we say it or not, we all want it. 

So, this is the turning point. This is when I change my life for the better. Yeah, I know, it's really close to the holidays. Which is definitely going to be a challenge. But if I can break through that enormous barrier, I can do anything. I'm going to start tracking things on here, so that I have something to hold me accountable. I feel like it'll help, a lot. And so, goodbye overweight, obese, fat Jess. I can honestly say that you are not going to be missed. Not one bit. 

xo, Jess.